Barstool Boyos – 2nd of April

Hotel guests – and Irish players – reported missing!



Oh dear, you’re not still having those Covid dreams, are you?

DREAMS?? DREAMS! I couldn’t even SLEEP on Saturday night…I didn’t even get a chance to dream!

Why, my friend?

Because of the NIGHTMARE!

But in order to have a nightmare…you have to sleep! I’m confused…

The nightmare was when I was awake! On Saturday evening!

What happened?

It all unfolded on  the TV! A horror show…

Have Bernard and Marty got a new show? Was it a repeat? Is it Dermot Bannon? Are Daniel and Majella on the road again? Are Daniel and Majella moving in with Bernard and Marty, while Dermot renovates all their houses? What happened? Tell me!

The match! A disaster! A nightmare!



(They pause to reel off the names of great Luxembourg players from the past, and stop abruptly)


I blame Kenny!

Pat Kenny? Did he hype us? He loves the hype!


Kenny Cunningham? Is it Kenny Cunningham? He’s everywhere! Is it Kenny?

No! Stephen!

Stephen Donnelly? Did he lock some of the players up in a hotel?

No! Stephen Kenny, the manager of the team!

Oh, I feel sorry for him!

It’s unbelievable! Losing at home to Luxembourg! Never thought I’d see the day! I tell you, it’s Stephen Kenny’s fault!

But he doesn’t have the players! And we have to give him time!

No, we’ve no time to give him time! It’s not the players, it’s the formation, that’s our problem!

What’s wrong with the formation?

We need to be playing a 1-3-2-2-2-2 formation!

Eh…that’s 12 players! You’re only allowed 11!

I’m still working on it, give me time!


(They pause to fondly recall the days before football jargon went into overdrive, when eleven players just went out on to the pitch and tried to get the ball into the opposition net)


So, any news, my friend?


Did the Luxembourg nightmare not spoil your Saturday night too?

Ah no….Ireland’s uncrowned Queen was on TV later on Saturday, she really cheered me up!

Who is it? Miriam O’Callaghan? Is it Claire Byrne? It must be Miriam!

No! Anne Doyle…Anne was on with Tommy Tiernan!

Anne Doyle! Wow! Now that is a great name from the past! How was Anne?

Oh she was mesmeric, mercurial, magnetic!

Had SHE any news?

Nope, she retired from reading the news years ago!

Wise guy! So, that’s all the news from the past few days….Ireland lose to Luxembourg, and Anne Doyle charms Tommy – and you!

Well, you heard about those three people who went missing in Dublin on Saturday night?

Look, leave the Republic of Ireland defenders alone, they may have gone missing for that goal, but they deserve some support…

No, not the Irish defence! The three hotel guests who were meant to be in quarantine!

Oh yeah, shocking…what gets me is…the rest of us would love to have a hotel break…and that privileged trio break out! So ungrateful!

In other news…that ship that got stuck in the Suez Canal…



I mean, how hard can it be to turn a vessel that’s stuck and going nowhere…around?

Well…ask Stephen Kenny!