Barstool Boyos – 26th of November

A rant from a ballsy TD…and a contract dilemma for the boyos!

 

WELL! I’m still reeling from what I saw in the People office last Friday…it shook me!

What were you doing in the People office without me?!

Oh just a little chat with the Editor…

What the…

Calm down! The point is, what I saw while I was there was shocking! All about that ballsy TD!

Who?

That eejit and his balls!

Hey…family paper and all that…

Juggling balls, dropping balls, waffling…attention-seeking!

Juggling balls? Was it about a circus?

NO! Bernard Durkan! Actually, maybe HE should be in a circus! He was definitely acting the clown!

What exactly did you see last Friday?

A press release on the Editor’s desk. The headline read: ‘Kildare TD asks National Lottery Chief to drop two balls’.

AND?

Well, it was Bernard Durkan on his rant about the Lotto.

Sceptical because the 19m euro hasn’t been won yet?

Yes! And NO jackpot won for six months! He was livid! Wants an investigation…

And…the balls?

He wants the Chief Executive of Premier Lotteries Ireland to drop two balls…to make the lotto ‘more winnable’…

Oh Bernard!

 

(They pause to exchange boring stories of friends who had five numbers only for it to be one of those weeks where you win very little…blah, blah, blah…)

 

So silly! Drop two balls!

So how many balls are there?

Well, Bernard said there were 36 balls in 1988, 39 in 1992, 42 in 1994, 45 in 2006…and 47 since 2015!

Really? I never knew that Lotto ball numbers had grown so much over the years!

Nor did I!

So has Deputy Durkan been keeping a record of all the balls since 1988?

Apparently…or else his advisers have been!

His constituents must be impressed…obviously their TD never drops the ball!

 

(They pause to buy two Lotto tickets and say a prayer to St Bernard, in the hope that one of them might win)

 

Aptly enough, given how difficult winning the Lotto is, he’s the Patron Saint of mountain climbers!

Huh?

St Bernard!

Really?

Yeah, and also the Patron Saint of skiers!

Well he’s on a slippery slope with his daft outbursts!

He said this winless run would never have happened in Ronan Collins’ day!

Brilliant! But what about that other humourless chap…shouldn’t he take some of the blame?

Who?

The guy from Stokes Kennedy Crowley!

But he’s an independent observer! Has nothing to do with the 47 balls!

He never really smiles or cracks a joke!

Unfair! He has a job to do! He’s great craic behind the scenes!

Anyways, WHY were you in with the People Editor…without me?

Oh just those contract talks…whether or not we sign up for this page for another term!

WITHOUT ME!

I CAN HANDLE IT!

I expect we’ll sign?

I’m playing hardball! Told him if we don’t get the contract we want, we’ll be free agents. Like the soccer players. We could go anywhere!

You didn’t…

I DID!

You DIDN’T play the Herald card?

I DID!

Good tactic! He wouldn’t like us signing for the Herald…

I know! It would be like them…winning the Lotto!