Barstool Boyos – 10th of September

I have a plan for all those government plans…it’s my super super-plan!

You rang WHO?

A top guy in government! Well, one of them!

Micheál?

No!

Leo?

No!

Simon A or Simon B?

No!

Who?

I rang Darragh O’Brien, the Minister for Housing! He’s always smiling! Well, except when he has his serious face on!

And the purpose of your call?
Well, you know I’ve been toying with a few ideas, like I always have a few irons in the fire…

Yeah, right. Were you speaking to the minister personally?

Well, no…

He wouldn’t take your call!

It’s not that. I WANTED to speak to someone in his department first. It will be a case of ‘his people’ speaking to ‘my people’…that’s how it works…at this level!

Go on…

SO, I pitched my proposal to one of his  advisors…

And your proposal is?

Well, it’s all these government plans. I just want to streamline everything!

Go on…

Well, Darragh has proudly launched Housing For All. But it’s just the latest in a series of housing plans! I mean, there was Housing for Everyone, Housing in the 21st century, Housing for a new Ireland, Fair Housing, Very Fair Housing, Housing for everyone who wants it…

They aren’t the actual names, are they?

Okay, one or two of them might have been made up!

Yeah…

But the point is, there are too many plans! So I’m offering my services to Darragh, and the Department! I’ll take the last ten plans, cross-reference them with comparable plans in the UK, and stress-test them against all the plans of the opposition. I’ll cost them, and I’ll produce one Super-Plan!

 

(They pause to check if Super-Plan is one word, two words, hyphenated…they give up)

 

And how would this elaborate…eh…plan…be financed?
Well, obviously I’d need some government investment for my plan to collate all previous plans into a new plan.

Isn’t there a danger that your plan might end up sitting on a shelf in the Department?

That’s another part of my plan…

Huh?

Remove all shelving in government offices. There are too many plans gathering dust on those shelves. We need to get rid of them!

Oh dear. This is getting ridiculous…

(Editor:‘getting?’)

Look, I’ve been exaggerating a bit, but I really think there’s potential in putting all recent plans into one Super-Plan!

What if it all backfired…took too long…cost too much…went nowhere?

Then the Government could commission a report into what went wrong! I can provide that service too! I told Darragh’s advisor that I can do plans AND reports…

What did he say?

Well, when I say I TOLD him, I mean I texted him…

Did he text back?

Oh yeah…sure the advisor’s a personal friend of mine. He said he might see if a role can be created for me. He even texted me possible financial terms!

Wow! Can I see the text?

Sorry, I deleted it.

You CANNOT delete texts relating to government business! Didn’t the Taoiseach say he’s going to issue a memo to all ministers with new guidelines…to that effect?

You’re telling me! Sure I’ve been on to the Taoiseach’s office, I’m working on that memo as we speak…