A transcript of mobile phone conversations between two old friends has fallen into our hands and we’re very irresponsibly reproducing extracts of same. ‘Maria’ is homeless and ‘Paddy’ is on a hospital trolley…
Maria: I hear you’re in hospital Paddy, how are you?
Paddy: Ah I’m on a trolley the past three weeks, but don’t worry about me. My plight is nothing to that of Charlie Flanagan, the Justice Minister, he’s been subjected to a smear campaign. Awful, it was, had his name ‘traduced.’
Maria: Ooh, that sounds painful. I know it’s terrible the anguish that some people have to go through.
Paddy: Are you still homeless?
Maria: Ah yeah, me and the three kids, but look, everything’s relative. I know Simon Coveney said he’d have us all housed by last June, but to be fair to him he was offered Foreign Affairs, and who could really turn that down? So no hard feelings there. No, look, we’re philosophical about the situation here on the street. There’s always someone worse off. I mean Shane Ross had to consider that trip to North Korea recently AND the worrying inconsistency creeping into Manchester United’s play. He was actually tweeting about ‘United’, with genuine concern about Mourinho’s tactics, and there we were just being selfish, thinking about our own predicament.
Paddy: Fair point.
Maria: Anyways, are you going through hell on that trolley?
Paddy: Ah look, it’s not ideal, but it pales into significance compared with the developing crisis in the Dail. I mean, what are we like? Last month, with all due respect, you were complaining about being homeless with your three kids in the bitter cold…and to be honest I was a bit peeved at still being on a hospital trolley. Could none of us spare a thought for all those opposition TDs who are desperately searching for political accountability – and emails?
Maria: I feel so shallow.
Maria: Hi Paddy, any news?
Paddy: Well, I’m watching Twitter, nothing yet, but I gather that Leo and Micheal are meeting again, so fingers crossed. How are you?
Maria: Oh absolutely freezing, still homeless, but look, everything’s relative. It’s nothing compared to the suffering of Brendan Howlin or Timmy Dooley, well, going by their faces anyway.
Maria: Hi Paddy, I’m still homeless!
Paddy: I’m still on a hospital trolley!
Maria: But I’m getting a sense that there’s brilliant news.
Paddy: I heard, it’s magical!
Maria: It seems the latest trawl of emails in the Department of Justice did the trick.
Paddy: The crisis has been averted. It was nail-biting, high stakes, brinkmanship. I’m so proud of them all. I can’t wait to watch Ivan Yates and Matt Cooper…if I turn at a particular angle on this trolley I can see the telly in the ward through a tiny gap in the double doors.
Maria: Ah it’s great the impasse has been broken, I could hardly sleep last night; mind you, I hardly sleep most nights! I’ll be tuning in too; there’s a television shop up the street here, just past the bins. It’s brilliant! Anyways, thank God the week-long saga has been brought to a dignified end.
Paddy: Yes, and a Government member has just said that they’re going to get back to “dealing with the issues that matter to people now”. Wonderful news!
Maria: Ah brilliant. Thank God for our political leaders.
Paddy & Maria: Happy days, Happy Christmas!