I’d imagine private investigators and family law solicitors across Ireland will probably be rubbing their hands with glee as they gear up for lots of new clients…whose other halves have been indulging in late-night emails and ‘phone calls or are doing a spectacular amount of overtime with no evidence of financial remuneration showing in the joint bank account…
Well folks, the ‘tsk, tsk, nudge, nudge, wink, wink’ gossip brigade was left salivating last week following revelations that the world has a new breed of cheater and he/she is a user of Ashley Madison, the website that boasts it has over 38,015,000 members, (over 40,000 of which are reputed to be Irish) whom they very helpfully assisted to cheat on their partners! However, last week this Ashley Madison site, whose disgraceful tagline is ‘Life is short. Have an affair’ was sensationally hacked, putting thousands of its married members’ personal information at risk with details of profiles, names, addresses, credit card data, nudie piccies and secret sexual fantasies out into the public domain.
In short, the dirty, rotten, lying, deceitful, two-timing cheaters have been outed, rendering the ‘dating’ site’s PR people to immediately morph into damage control mode assuring their scared sxxtless clients that they were taking “every possible step toward mitigating the attack." Oops, too little too late I’d say.
Now, bear with me, and I’m not judging here; no, really I’m not, but I kinda see a trend; don’t you? I mean, desperate situations often need desperate measures and if someone, let’s just suggest a middle-aged, paunchy and bored husband; one whose pacemaker makes the microwave ping every time he sees yer wan down at No. 3 doing the gardening in a sexy apron and Marigold gloves, wishes to indulge in, ahem, let’s say, a colourful, so-called designer sex life by enjoying kinky seven-hour Tantric sex marathon sessions with slappers who use their immovable parts as bait; well then that’s the emotionally-stunted cheater’s business. And, for the record, most busy wives, me included, can’t even manage to summon up the energy to sleep for seven hours, never mind indulge in other more strenuous activities, but I digress. However, last week, thanks to the unlawful, disgraceful work of ‘cyber terrorists,’ cheaters of the world have been hacked and outed and I’d imagine private investigators and family law solicitors across Ireland will probably be rubbing their hands with glee as they gear up for lots of new clients with suspicious and worried wives, whose other halves have been indulging in late-night emails and ‘phone calls or are doing a spectacular amount of overtime with no evidence of financial remuneration showing in the joint bank account suddenly seeking their expertise.
You see readers, when you think about it, these weasels have stupidly joined Ashley Madison; (and other similar sites); have gone ahead and given their personal details and credit card info because they’ve actually sat for hours, days even, and contemplated having a bit on the side. They’re not the sorry sods who’ve mistakenly indulged in a drunken, impulsive, highly regrettable and shameful one-nighter – which I do NOT condone, nor would I ever forgive, by the way – and I have to say, even though they have now been illegally hacked and are in an impossible situation, I find my sympathy is non-existent. You see, in trying to have their cake and eat it, I feel these men don’t have the liathróidí or the integrity to face the fact that there is clearly a problem with their ‘real life’ relationships and they have failed to do the manly thing, which is address it and try, with all of their might, to fix it.
As I write, I can only imagine the bombshell and impact these revelations are now going to have on those thousands of once-happy, once-ignorant Irish families whose entire lives will now be thrown into a cataclysmic crisis due to someone’s selfish infidelity and all because he/she could hear the loud ticking of their biological clock igniting their insatiable urge to indulge in a higher form of sexual experience rather than simply stopping off at the supermarket for a bunch of flowers, buying a bottle of wine, booking an intimate dinner or even sending a saucy text, which by the way I’d bet would have gone a long way towards getting them lucky with a late-night grope or three from a very tired, but I’d imagine, grateful wife when the dog’s been fed and the kiddies have been packed off to bed.
But no, ya couldn’t do the simple thing could ya? Ya wanted to be in da zone, and now your decision to act out your sexual fantasies outside of your marriage has led to your membership of what is essentially a high class brothel, and is now threatening to destroy your family’s entire world.
Look lads, while I am truly sorry for your situation, and even more so for your families’ devastation, and while I am extremely concerned regarding the blatant, illegal invasion of privacy, which is unacceptable and very worrying, I have to try and open up your horny eyes and enlighten you. The fact is, these online temptresses may have a cutesy pie figure now, but you listen to me when I say, the Roman Empire fell and so will her boobs and tight little butt cheeks, d’ya’ hear me, and then what’ll ya do? Expect your loving wife, the mother of your kids, the woman with real curves, ones so defined and comfy you could probably sit on them, to take your sniveling, cheating ass back? Well little man…will ya?